My Old Friend

You died one week ago today, on Father's day. 4 days after we celebrated Brynnie's birth. You barely got to meet her, then you were gone. It has taken me that long to be able to really sit down and write about it. We all watched you go, but we weren't ready to say goodbye. I held you close to me and told you I loved you, always, and that you were a good friend to me. I hoped you weren't gone yet and that you heard me. You made my life happy when I was sad, and when I cried, you were always there to give kisses. When my feet were sore, you licked them, and you protected our family, and especially me. It was just you and me in the beginning and I never felt lonesome. You loved my Noah bear and tolerated his too-tight squeezes and loves.

I'm sorry we weren't watching you closer. I wish things had been different and that I would have paid better attention. I wish I hadn't seen it happen. I will never get it out of my mind. I wish you hadn't suffered at all or been in any pain.

Noah-bear misses you and asks about you every day. He doesn't understand where you went. We told him you went to be with Jesus, and he wants us to come and get you. He asks where Jesus lives and why we can't just go to his house. We just say that we can't. He hugs his Macie dog extra tight at night, and we do, too sometimes.

Now, our home feels hollow. You aren't there at my feet when I get out of bed. You don't bark when someone rings the doorbell. You don't wait patiently for your food in the morning. There is no hair on the carpet for me to vacuum up and get frustrated at. Water play this summer won't be the same without you, and our popsicle nights sitting out on the lawn will be different.

We buried you where we will make our new home. We hope you like it as much as we do. There are lots of flowers and Mt. Hood is right there. It is breathtaking and we are glad you are there to enjoy it.

I'm so glad we got to take you to the beach one last time. I think it was your favorite spot. You loved hopping in the water and chasing after your ball. You were getting old, but at the beach, you were young again

I miss you. Thank you for being a better friend to me and our family than anyone else. We know you loved us. You were a beautiful creation and you were a selfless little thing. Unconditional love was always what you gave, no matter what. We love you, Mace.

My Old Friend by Tim McGraw

My old friend, I recall
The times we had hanging on my wall
I wouldn't trade them for gold
Cause they laugh and they cry me
Somehow sanctify me
They're woven in the stories I have told
And tell again

My old friend, I apologize
For the years that have passed
Since the last time you and I
Dusted off those memories
But the running and the races
The people and the places
There's always somewhere else I had to be
Time gets slim, my old friend

Don't know why, don't know why
Don't know why, don't know why

My old friend, this song's for you
Cause a few simple verses
Was the least that I could do
To tell the world that you were here
Cause the love and the laughter
Will live on long after
All of the sadness and the tears
Til we meet again, my old friend

Goodbye, goodbye
Goodbye, goodbye

My old friend, my old friend
Goodbye, goodbye

Brynne Johanna Bagge

Brynnie is here! She arrived June 16th at 6:20 pm. She weighed 7 lbs 3 oz and is 19 inches long! Labor was amazing, actually--she was delivered by a midwife which was exactly what I was hoping would happen, and this lady was BRILLIANT! Anyway, here are some pics!!

5 years ago...

Today is Christian's "Alive Day". 5 years ago today, he was injured. I am grateful for him and for his life that was spared. He is such an amazing father, husband, and person. He has a gentle spirit that many people do not know about, but I see it, and it's what drew me to him in the first place.
To see him with his son is quite an amazing thing. Although he is often tired, he never shows it...and always has energy for Noah. He is creative and loving and sensitive, and he would put up a fight in an instant for his family.
I love you honey. I am so proud of you. Thank you for your daily sacrifices and for your positive attitude and zeal for life.

Brynnie Jo :)

Her new nickname is Brynnie Jo :) Never really liked the middle name Jo, but it sorta fits with her :)

The latest with her, by the way, is that I'm going to the doc every 4 days. Haven't heard of anyone else going this often, but all due to the abnormal AFP scores for spina bifida. They discovered last week that my amniotic fluid is lower than it should be, so they will be measuring it again this Thursday. If it gets too low, they will start giving me things to get my cervix ready, then they will induce. I have to say, I'd really like to experience natural labor, on my own. No induction, please. Obviously I want whatever is best for the baby, and would love to be done with being pregnant, but I desperately don't want to be induced. It SUCKED with Noah. The contractions were more like A contraction. One, big, long contraction. I literally didn't get a break from them til I finally got my epidural. They actually were controlling them by turning my pitocin up and down. It's just not natural folks. Please pray that I will naturally go into labor. I'd like to feel what it feels like to have natural contractions, and to have them S-L-O-W-L-Y get closer and closer and stronger and stronger. Not just all the sudden TERRIBLE. So anyway. Yes. Natural labor please. I have a good friend who just had a baby girl two days ago. She said her contractions were, at the end, two minutes apart. Good grief--I'd be happy with two minutes apart! I didn't know labor was any other way.
Anyhoo--I'm 36 weeks on Friday. Can't believe I still have a month to go. I'm definitely nesting. Weird, cause I never really nested like this with Noah. Yesterday I was sweating (like, A LOT), moving from room to room and finding an never-ending list of things that needed to be done. There is just so much, it seems. I just want to be prepared!
I had a baby shower at church on Sunday, and another one at work today, then I have one on Saturday for family and friends. Wow! What a blessing. So far we have a ton of clothes for her. Still need oodles but we'll figure it out. Not as anxious about that part as the first time around, which is pretty normal I guess.
Anyway--I'm rambling now. Just wanted to post how things are going with our baby girl. Can't wait to meet you, Brynnie!

new pics

Took some pics of my handsome boy the other day :)
Such a beautiful sight to me!

not much goin on'

Ahhh not much going on these days. I am 31 weeks tomorrow and was supposed to have an appointment today to check Brynnee's growth, but got cancelled. Somebody else had to go and have a baby so the doc wasn't available :( So--tomorrow it is! I will have the full ultrasound to see how she's doing. Last time they estimated she weighed 2.6 pounds, so hopefully she has grown!! I know I have. I've done a wonderful job putting on 10 pounds in the last month. I feel awesome about it. Christian thinks I can gain another 20 before she comes out--so I might just hold him to it. >:( At this point I've just decided to not worry about it. The motivation I feel to lose all this weight ALREADY makes me know that I WILL lose it. Weight Schmeight.

Anyway--just wanted to give an update. Noah is blossoming before our eyes. He is the most precious, beautiful little child. And he has such a kind little heart. The other night we had movie night with our little family, where he stays up way past his bedtime and sits in between daddy and I on the couch and munches popcorn. Like seriously, his eyes don't leave the TV and the popcorn is constantly being shoveled into his mouth. It's hilarious to watch. Anyway, so I had popped him his own little bowl of popcorn and several minutes after he had been eating it, he simply said, "Thank you for my popcorn mama". I am so amazed at the thoughtfulness of the child. Like really? I didn't even remind him to thank me.

On a totally different note, my favorite quote of the day, and possibly weeks, came from Christian today. He walked into the house (I was upstairs, he was down) and all he said was, "That garbage can smells like assholes." then walked back out. Didn't even wait for a response. The funniest part to me was that he thought it smelled like several assholes...plural. Not just one, but several. I've been chuckling to myself all day. :)

Brynne update

So....a little worried about our Brynne. I went in for an ultrasound today to measure her and make sure she's growing ok. Usually in pregnancy, you have 1, maybe 2 ultrasounds. I've had 5. And the doctor wants to do another one in 4 weeks.

When I had the quad screen done, they found high levels of AFP in my blood, which usually points to spinabifida. Her chances of having spinabifida were 1 in 45. So we had special testing done in Portland and a super long ultrasound, where the doctor ruled out spinabifida (thank the Lord!) but found a cyst in her brain, which he assured us is fairly normal and could "be gone tomorrow". But he said that sometimes with high AFP readings, women can go into labor early or the baby could be undernourished. So they've been checking her growth and making sure everything is ok.
Today she weighs approximately 2.6 pounds. She was breach, and still is (I can actually tell!), so that has me a little concerned, but hey--she has two months to right herself, right?

The one thing that worried me was the doctor saying, as she was doing the ultrasound, "Did you have an amniocentesis?" Now...why would she ask that? To worry us? Well, it worked. And then when she was all done, she said she wanted to do another ultrasound in 4 weeks. Finally I was like, "Hey, so why all the ultrasounds?" and she explained about the checking the growth thing. Then I asked what might happen if she's NOT growing properly. The doctor said they would induce, because that would mean that the uterus is no longer the best place for her to be; she'd do better outside the womb. So then, of course, I asked when the earliest they would induce would be. And she said, "Well, I'm expecting you'll make it to at least 32 weeks." Which is in like....5 weeks. So...that has had me thinking all day that, wow, we could maybe have a baby in a little over a month...two months premature.
If you have a moment, please say a prayer for our Brynne ("Brynnie-bear" as Noah has taken to calling her). Please pray that she grows!!
They also said her head is a little mis-shapen...please, no coneheads. I am praying for that to right itself, too.
We love you Brynnie bear :) Stay in there for a while longer...