Noah bear update

Well we ended up meeting with Noah's preschool teacher a few weeks ago and what a relief that meeting was.  All in all, they suggested that we actually have Noah come to preschool more.  They think the structure and have a regular schedule will really help him, and it definitely has.  I know these two women that we met with very well; one gal came to our home once a week for two years for a church home group, and also attends our church.  These women only have Noah's best interest in mind and we completely trust them.  So we are having him go one full day to preschool and one other day for 4 hours (before he was just going one day a week).  His behavior has improved dramatically.  Praise the Lord.  I am not saying he is cured, but we have seen a drastic improvement.  And I used to get him a special drink every preschool day, no matter what, but now he has to have no time outs and good behavior in order to have his special drink.  The last 3 times, he has gotten his special drink :) HUGE accomplishment for him.  I am so proud and relieved. 
And for some reason, I have realized how precious he is (even more than before...is that possible?), and I absolutely KNOW God has given me more patience.  Things have been so much better.  All I can say is, Praise God! 
We still are taking Noah to the doctor in November to have is 4 year check up and also to have him evaluated and to see if he needs to be referred to another specialist.  (November was the soonest we could get him in!)
And the little girl who was injured is healing great.  She didn't lose her tooth and her little head looks great.  From what I hear, she and Noah are inseparable at preschool now.  They are like best buds :)  I told him, "I think she must have really liked the picture you drew for her" and he just nodded.  He is such a sweet boy.
So thank you for your prayers.  I know God is good, always, and I have definitely felt him at work in all of us recently.  So thank you!  xoxo Melissa

Noah

Noah pushed a little girl on the playground yesterday, resulting in a trip to the ER and the dentist for her.  She would have had to get stitches, but they didn't want to have the huge gash on her head scar, so they used the steri-strips.  She also had a tooth knocked up into her gums.  He then went on to throw things at other kids, mess with their crafts, scribble on the teacher's schedule, etc. 
I was gently informed of this when I went to pick him up.  I am so upset.  I spent all evening crying and trying to talk with him and see what was going through his mind.  He told me he put his "mean eyes" on.  I don't even know where he got that phrase.  I have been going through in my head everything that we have/haven't done and I feel like a failure.  Feelings of guilt are just coming up and yet, I feel as if we have tried EVERYTHING for his behavior.  I had talked with my mom and others and we have all noticed improvements in his behavior over the last few weeks, and now this happens.
So we are meeting with his preschool teacher and the director of the preschool.  I feel as if they will say, "He needs to take a break from preschool".  They also mentioned having him see a specialist.  We have already had him screened by ECI (three times).  The most recent screening was only a few months ago and they told us he didn't need any special education, just behavioral direction.  So we have been working on that. We also had him going to therapy for over a year.  No results, so we stopped that. 
I am just so flustered and at a loss.  We have made sure not to leave him alone with Brynne, out of fear that he will impulsively hurt her or something.  Now this has happened to another child.  I feel so awful.  We have offered to pay for her medical/dental expenses and are trying to do everything we can, but I just can't stop thinking about the poor girl's parents.  Imagining the call her poor mama got saying she was bleeding profusely and being taken to the ER.  I'm not trying to be overly dramatic...I know kids push other kids all the time, but it just sucks to think about how I would feel if it had been Noah that this happened to.
The teachers also told me that he was not very remorseful and was not really affected by the sight of all that blood (and apparently, there was a lot).  I'd like to believe that he was shocked and got very quiet.  That is how he's reacted before.  He accidentally fell on Brynne a while back and she was crying and he got very still and quiet.  I could tell he felt bad and was sorry, but to others, he may have appeared to be indifferent and un-remorseful.
I don't know :(  I have been praying and praying. I laid next to him in bed last night and sobbed. I know he is a good child and he is so smart.  He really does have a loving heart, but the impulsivity is a major problem.  What do I do next?  Right now we are just waiting.  We will write the little girl a letter and tell her we are sorry and we are praying for her recovery.  And we have been praying for her with Noah...but right now I feel despair.  I know God's hand is in this and He will make it work out for something good, but it's hard to see the light at the end of this long and confusing tunnel.  Please pray for my boy.  I am concerned for him.

Mama

My dear mama suffered a massive heart attack on Monday night. She was at Kahneeta with her twin sister and started having chest pain and collapsed. She was taken by ambulance to Warm Springs and it was quickly determined that she would need Life Flight. She was life-flighted to Bend and was taken into emergency surgery to place a stent. Had she waited 5 minutes longer, she would have died.

This week has kind of been a whirlwind of emotions. My sister, step dad and I drove to Bend through the night on Monday night. What should have only been a 2 1/2 hour drive ended up being over 5 hours because of all the wildfires. Halfway into our trip, we had to turn around and go a different way. Our anxiety was through the roof and I just wanted to walk into the hospital room and see her and make sure she was ok. Finally we were able to see her at around 5:15 in the morning Tuesday. What a relief.

It is amazing that life can be taken so quickly. Mama said she was at peace and truly felt as if she were going. It is a peace that passes all understanding, exactly what Christian felt when he lay on the desert floor in Iraq 6 years ago. How can anyone possibly be so calm in such a situation? God's presence. I am so grateful she is still here. We all show our emotions in different ways, I've learned. My older sister has been hysterical and protective, and I am the organizer, wanting to get there, wanting to make sure everyone's ok and taken care of. But I have been hysterical too. I think sometimes the brain just doesn't allow you to feel, because if you were to feel, you simply couldn't cope. Thus, the numbness. I was this way when I learned of Christian's injuries. It's not the way I chose to be, it's just the way I was. My time to grieve for him came much later, when everything was ok.

Today I stayed home from work to be with mama and make sure she was ok and not alone. She rested and I did a puzzle, answered the phone for her, made her breakfast and lunch, etc. I gave her a little pedicure and we joked about me having to put on safety goggles and pull out the chainsaw because her toenails needed much love :) But it was special to me. My heart was feeling heavy and glad and I just wanted to curl up next to her and be quiet. It's funny how things like this can make you realize all you have and all you want to have.

I am so thankful that she is still here. She is such a patient and loving person. And a wonderful GG to my babies. I love her so much. Remember to tell your mamas you love them tonight.