Fall

This is my favorite season. Noah and I have been going on walks in the "wide wide world" lately and have been raking leaves in the back yard as they fall. The other day I started to show him a pine tree and explained to him the different types of leaves that trees make and how they fall to the ground during this season. I said, "Do you know what type of tree this is?" and he said, "YES--it's a pine tree mama!" He knows a lot more than I thought!

Lately I've been feeling as if I am in a rut. Same old same old. Yet, we have lots going on. And don't get me wrong, I am thankful and grateful for all that we have been blessed with. Just the fact that our children are healthy is a huge blessing. But I just feel depressed. I've always been the type of person who needs to have something to look forward to--a trip, time to myself--something. And right now, I feel as if there's nothing. I've been feeling like I don't know what my purpose is in life. Like, is my sole purpose to just be a mother and a wife? Why did I go to college then? I would love to go back and get my master's, but in what? What should I be doing with my life?

I've been asking myself these questions and also God. I'll admit it's been quite a struggle to get myself to just be still. I know I need to listen and to find contentment. And I know being a mother is a huge job and a huge blessing. I am just now learning to start embracing my role. It's not been easy for me. Does anyone else feel that way? I can think of several mothers who have to work--they have no choice and they would LOVE to just stay at home and love on their children. I love to be home with the kids, but I often feel at the end of my rope. Our Noah is quite a busy child. He has been diagnosed with sensory integration disorder, but the more we look at him and observe, the more we think he may have ADHD. He fits the description to a "t". My heart is broken at this thought, but I am also feeling despair because I am frustrated ALL.THE.TIME. with him. He is so busy and taking and following simple instructions is just not something he does. I can spend 20 minutes asking/telling/helping him to pick up his cars and I finally just end up doing it myself. I feel like every day is a constant battle. But then there are moments when I am looking at him lovingly--love is just pouring from my eyes for him--and he looks back at me and says, "I love you too mama." He is such a precious gift and has such a sweet soul. I just want to know how to mother him and parent him the best way that I can. And it seems everything we are trying is not really too effective. :( So, this area of my life needs prayer.

Brynnie bee is doing great. She is a beautiful baby and is always always smiling. I love her to pieces. This is my absolute favorite stage that she is in right now. From now until about age 2! :)

Time is flying by...

Sorry about the cleavage shot. Guess I could have cropped it out...oh well.


Loves holding his sister :)

such a happy baby

Beach trip with extended family. Beautiful weather!

Our future home! Isn't Mt. Hood BREATHTAKING?!

Raising the first wall!

View from our back yard!

Mt. Hood is hiding behind the house. We have a gorgeous view!

Opening ceremony of our Build Brigade. Someone was singing "You Raise Me Up" and it was beautiful. Yes, I was crying!

Wow time is going by so fast. It is already almost October (my favorite month!) Our house is being built! That all started in late August. So we go up about once a week to check on it and Noah goes and plays in his room. Can't WAIT til it is finished. What a blessing. I am posting some pics of that and of our sweet little babies. Noah started pre-school last week and has almost mastered potty training--thank you LORD! I thought it might never happen. Brynnie is doing great. So sweet and sleeping through the night. She is a content little thing, EXCEPT when you try and give her a bottle. Won't take ANYTHING that is artificial, and believe me, we've tried it ALL. Any tips? This has been a point of serious stress for our family, especially with me working. And when we move, she will be 30 minutes away from my work, so it will be really hard to get her to my work to feed her twice a day. We are praying about it and we know that just might have to make some drastic changes if nothing will work. Babies and family first---everything else, second.

Crazy life!

Wow, time is going by really fast! Brynnie will be three weeks old tomorrow. I can't believe it. She is doing well...has a bit of a cold and I pulled an extremely large, super gross booger out of her nose this morning (do infants make boogers?? Yes, I found out. They do.) Anyway, we have figured that she sleeps at night from midnight to around 5 or 6 am. Really nice, but also crummy when we want to go to bed at 10 pm and her little peepers are WIDE open. She doesn't cry (until we put her down). She just looks around and is happy. She is the most beautiful thing I've seen on this earth (besides Noah).

We are still missing Macie a lot. There is a drag mark out on the street in front of our house that won't go away. Could it please just rain and wash it away so we don't have to see it every time we go outside? I am reminded of how awful the whole ordeal was and I just get sad. It was so sad to watch her go that way. You always sort of just imagine you'll have to eventually "put them down". No one expects what happened to happen. :( We saw a dog on the dock today and it jumped in the river and was paddling around and I couldn't help but start crying. I miss my old friend :(

On an happier note, my mom watched the kids for a few hours this morning so Christian and I could go fishing on the boat. It was REALLY nice. The river was absolutely still and we caught several fish. The alone time to talk and not be distracted was amazing! We caught this beautiful fish. It was the smallest (obviously) so I had to take a picture of it :) Just a baby!

Fun times.

My Old Friend

You died one week ago today, on Father's day. 4 days after we celebrated Brynnie's birth. You barely got to meet her, then you were gone. It has taken me that long to be able to really sit down and write about it. We all watched you go, but we weren't ready to say goodbye. I held you close to me and told you I loved you, always, and that you were a good friend to me. I hoped you weren't gone yet and that you heard me. You made my life happy when I was sad, and when I cried, you were always there to give kisses. When my feet were sore, you licked them, and you protected our family, and especially me. It was just you and me in the beginning and I never felt lonesome. You loved my Noah bear and tolerated his too-tight squeezes and loves.

I'm sorry we weren't watching you closer. I wish things had been different and that I would have paid better attention. I wish I hadn't seen it happen. I will never get it out of my mind. I wish you hadn't suffered at all or been in any pain.

Noah-bear misses you and asks about you every day. He doesn't understand where you went. We told him you went to be with Jesus, and he wants us to come and get you. He asks where Jesus lives and why we can't just go to his house. We just say that we can't. He hugs his Macie dog extra tight at night, and we do, too sometimes.

Now, our home feels hollow. You aren't there at my feet when I get out of bed. You don't bark when someone rings the doorbell. You don't wait patiently for your food in the morning. There is no hair on the carpet for me to vacuum up and get frustrated at. Water play this summer won't be the same without you, and our popsicle nights sitting out on the lawn will be different.

We buried you where we will make our new home. We hope you like it as much as we do. There are lots of flowers and Mt. Hood is right there. It is breathtaking and we are glad you are there to enjoy it.

I'm so glad we got to take you to the beach one last time. I think it was your favorite spot. You loved hopping in the water and chasing after your ball. You were getting old, but at the beach, you were young again

I miss you. Thank you for being a better friend to me and our family than anyone else. We know you loved us. You were a beautiful creation and you were a selfless little thing. Unconditional love was always what you gave, no matter what. We love you, Mace.

My Old Friend by Tim McGraw

My old friend, I recall
The times we had hanging on my wall
I wouldn't trade them for gold
Cause they laugh and they cry me
Somehow sanctify me
They're woven in the stories I have told
And tell again

My old friend, I apologize
For the years that have passed
Since the last time you and I
Dusted off those memories
But the running and the races
The people and the places
There's always somewhere else I had to be
Time gets slim, my old friend

Don't know why, don't know why
Don't know why, don't know why

My old friend, this song's for you
Cause a few simple verses
Was the least that I could do
To tell the world that you were here
Cause the love and the laughter
Will live on long after
All of the sadness and the tears
Til we meet again, my old friend

Goodbye, goodbye
Goodbye, goodbye

My old friend, my old friend
Goodbye, goodbye

Brynne Johanna Bagge

Brynnie is here! She arrived June 16th at 6:20 pm. She weighed 7 lbs 3 oz and is 19 inches long! Labor was amazing, actually--she was delivered by a midwife which was exactly what I was hoping would happen, and this lady was BRILLIANT! Anyway, here are some pics!!

5 years ago...

Today is Christian's "Alive Day". 5 years ago today, he was injured. I am grateful for him and for his life that was spared. He is such an amazing father, husband, and person. He has a gentle spirit that many people do not know about, but I see it, and it's what drew me to him in the first place.
To see him with his son is quite an amazing thing. Although he is often tired, he never shows it...and always has energy for Noah. He is creative and loving and sensitive, and he would put up a fight in an instant for his family.
I love you honey. I am so proud of you. Thank you for your daily sacrifices and for your positive attitude and zeal for life.

Brynnie Jo :)

Her new nickname is Brynnie Jo :) Never really liked the middle name Jo, but it sorta fits with her :)

The latest with her, by the way, is that I'm going to the doc every 4 days. Haven't heard of anyone else going this often, but all due to the abnormal AFP scores for spina bifida. They discovered last week that my amniotic fluid is lower than it should be, so they will be measuring it again this Thursday. If it gets too low, they will start giving me things to get my cervix ready, then they will induce. I have to say, I'd really like to experience natural labor, on my own. No induction, please. Obviously I want whatever is best for the baby, and would love to be done with being pregnant, but I desperately don't want to be induced. It SUCKED with Noah. The contractions were more like A contraction. One, big, long contraction. I literally didn't get a break from them til I finally got my epidural. They actually were controlling them by turning my pitocin up and down. It's just not natural folks. Please pray that I will naturally go into labor. I'd like to feel what it feels like to have natural contractions, and to have them S-L-O-W-L-Y get closer and closer and stronger and stronger. Not just all the sudden TERRIBLE. So anyway. Yes. Natural labor please. I have a good friend who just had a baby girl two days ago. She said her contractions were, at the end, two minutes apart. Good grief--I'd be happy with two minutes apart! I didn't know labor was any other way.
Anyhoo--I'm 36 weeks on Friday. Can't believe I still have a month to go. I'm definitely nesting. Weird, cause I never really nested like this with Noah. Yesterday I was sweating (like, A LOT), moving from room to room and finding an never-ending list of things that needed to be done. There is just so much, it seems. I just want to be prepared!
I had a baby shower at church on Sunday, and another one at work today, then I have one on Saturday for family and friends. Wow! What a blessing. So far we have a ton of clothes for her. Still need oodles but we'll figure it out. Not as anxious about that part as the first time around, which is pretty normal I guess.
Anyway--I'm rambling now. Just wanted to post how things are going with our baby girl. Can't wait to meet you, Brynnie!